Do you have relatives who are not speaking to each other over a conflict which took place many years ago?
In TRUTH, how much do we gain and how much do we lose by being angry, stewing, fuming and eating ourselves up? What are we actually getting out of doing this to ourselves?
If you look at your own life right now does anyone come to mind that you are resenting or feeling anger towards? What would the benefits look like for you to learn how to let go of what ever it is you are still holding onto?
How do you identify if you are carrying resentment or ill-will?
There are a variety of questions you can ask yourself and reflect on. Consider these questions and see what comes up for you:
Were you loved the way you wanted to be by the people who cared for you?
Did they love you enough?
Where they there for you when they “should” have been?
Did they do anything to hurt you or let you down?
Did you have a teacher who played favorites?
What was the worst thing someone ever did to you?
How does it make you feel now when you think about them?
Where in your body do you feel it?
The objective of this work is not to get stuck in the pain of the past. If very painful and upsetting things happened to you in the past- the crucial question is- How do they make you feel NOW? How do you feel towards the people who were involved?
Does thinking about them awaken a strong reaction of anger inside you? If it does you may want to explore what is going on for you and what that’s about.
Lets examine some incidents which lead to feelings of resentment:
Pam - “I remember a time when I asked my mother to buy me new clothes because mine were old and worn out and didn’t fit me well anymore. She told me that new clothes would be really expensive and that she couldn’t afford to buy them for me. Soon afterwards she announced that we would be going to live with our cousin’s for 2 weeks because she was going away on a vacation. I felt neglected and disregarded at the time and started feeling very hostile towards her which I had never felt before”.
Lets look at a couple of options Pam may take when remembering this incident:
RESPONSE OPTION 1:
“When I think about the incident now I relive a lot of the pain but then I remember that as years went by I learned to understand my mother better and finally decide to forgive her for what happened. I still feel some disappointment over the issue but my feelings of anger and hostility have significantly subsided”.
RESPONSE OPTION 2:
“When I think about what happened my old hostility flares up again as strong as ever (if not even stronger). I’m starting to realize that it never really went away; it was always simmering just beneath the surface. The more I think about what happened the more I hear my mind repeating: “She never cared about me”, “She lied to me, she really could afford to buy me new clothes but she selfishly spent the money on herself instead”, “I was very embarrassed because of her”, “I hope she never expects me to go out of my way to do anything to help her, I don’t have any money to waste on her now anyway”.
These thoughts just keep on playing in my head over and over again. The more I hear them the more my stomach churns and my back tightens up. It becomes like a snowball picking up more and more speed and getting more and more intense. Eventually it’s all I can think about and it’s very hard to concentrate on anything else”.
Chani - “After all I did to help you get that new job and help you move into your new apartment and you didn’t even invite me to your wedding?! You didn’t even let me know that you got engaged! I only happened to overhear someone else mention it! The nerve! You call that gratitude?! Don’t ever expect any help from me ever again! You’ll be lucky if I even speak to you again!”
Miriam - “My parents never came to watch me at any of my school concerts. They always came up with some weak excuse but I know that they were just too lazy. I always new they never really cared about me. For my brothers’ sports games of course they could always make a plan and manage to be there! I know every Friday they want me to call and wish them Good Shabbas. Well, now I’m just too busy to. They never had any time for me and now I don’t have any time for them. What did they ever do for me anyway?”
Judy - “My father was extremely critical, often belittling me and putting me down in front of others. I don’t want to have anything to do with him. I don’t like him and don’t enjoy being around him.
I’m angry that people think he’s such a nice guy and don’t know what he’s really like.
His hurtful words still leave many painful scars. I have become an angry, bitter and moody person. I often feel insecure, and have a hard time trusting people, especially men. I want to get married and be loved and cared for, deep down inside though, the thought of a relationship with a man is very frightening and quite honestly grosses me out. I still live with a lot of anxiety and stress, especially around authority figures.
Why should we forgive? Is there a mitzvah in the Torah to forgive? What is the Torah approach that Hashem wants Pam, Channi, Miriam and Judy to take?
Torah Sources Relating To Resentment, Forgiveness and Letting Go
Vayikra/Leviticus Parshat Kedoshim (Chapter 19)
2: Speak to the entire assembly of the Children of Israel and say to them: You shall be holy, for holy am I, Hashem, you G-d.
Ramban “Sanctify yourself through that which is permitted to you”
15: With righteousness shall you judge your fellow.
17: You shall not hate your brother in your heart; you shall reprove your fellow and do not bear a sin because of him.
18: You shall not take revenge and you shall not bear a grudge against the members of your people; you shall love your fellow as yourself – I am G-d.
Rambam Hilchot Deiot: Chapter 7, Halacha 7/8. Mitzvah 304/305.
Give with a full heart. Erase the matter from your heart without retaining any memory of it at all.
Secular Society:
In the secular world is there anything wrong with bearing a grudge or taking revenge? Could the four people mentioned above ever be prosecuted for committing a criminal offense by not helping their friend or by avoiding their parents?
Forgiveness:
How is forgiveness viewed in modern society? Is it seen as a strength or a weakness to forgive? If Judy forgives her father does that mean that she is condoning his behavior? Was it OK for him to belittle and embarrass her? Should she not rather remain angry in order to protect herself and others from further abuse? Do we not find that forgiving people are taken advantage of and end up getting trampled over?
A major issue which often make forgiving and letting go almost impossible to achieve is the question: does this mean that I am CONDONING what was done to me? ABSOLUTELY NOT! Forgiving in no way implies that the action of someone who hurt me was Ok. If it was evil it remains EVIL.
What is it that Hashem is expecting of us?
Three Levels of Forgiveness:
1st- Forgiving because of the personal benefit I will gain from doing so; in order to improve my life, increase my level of happiness and my ability to function more effectively and productively in the world.
2nd- Forgiving in order not to violate any laws of the Torah. Doing what is “right” because I am required to do so.
3rd- Forgiving in order to develop and deepen a real and personal spiritual connection with G-d. In order to have a more open heart to receive the fullness of G-d’s light and love without obstacles and impediments preventing me from accessing that love.
As an expression of my faith and trust in G-d, that all that happens is a manifestation of His will. All is from G-d and all that I experience is from the Ultimate Source of goodness and love.
What makes it so difficult to forgive?
Why do we hold onto resentment and ill-will?
In what ways do we believe we gain from being in a state of resentment or ill-will:
1) Getting even/ Sweet revenge “I’ll pay you back for what you did to me”
“Fairs fair”, “I’ll make you feel the pain that you caused me”,
2) Seeing to it that justice is carried out “What you did should not go unpunished”, “Evil must be stopped”,
3) I get to feel superior, moral high-ground “I would never do that”,
4) Getting to feel powerful
5) Protect yourself or others from the same happening to them,
6) Withholding love and affection “because you don’t deserve it”, “Now you have to earn it”
7) Silent treatment to teach them a lesson “Now you’ll know not to do that again”,
8) Being a victim “I’ll show you how much you hurt me!”
9) Not having to take responsibility
10) Not being held accountable for my behavior
11) Waiting for them to beg for forgiveness and confess to how evil and nasty they were.
In what ways do I pay a price for holding onto resentment?
1) Health,
2) Relationships,
3) Work,
4) Family,
5) Happiness,
6) How we relate to our husband/wife and kids,
7) Difficulty sleeping,
8) Eating disorders,
9) Stress, anxiety, ulcers,
10) Headaches, back pain,
11) Loved ones,
12) Our spontaneity,
13) Fullness of life,
14) Our sense of freedom to be all that we are and want to be,
15) Being able to bring all of ourselves into our lives, being fully present,
16) Connection to our higher-selves, to our most noble and dignified qualities,
17) Our spirituality, true connection and closeness to G-
THE INTERNAL PROCESS THAT GETS US ANGRY:
Step Number 1:
Anger producing thoughts.
When I get angry at someone or over something which has happened, what am I actually doing?
Mentally there is always some form of judgment taking place in my mind. “This should not be happening!”, “Why does she always do that! I asked her before not to and she knows how much it disturbs me!”
By comparison if in our minds we would rather hear something like “Oh, I don’t care if she finished all the cake and I never got a piece because I was not planning on eating it anyway”, or “It’s it good thing the kids made such a big noise and woke me up or I would have missed an important meeting”, would such thoughts cause you to get angry?
Step Number 2:
Do we judge favorably and forgive or do we ruminate and hold on?
“You know what, we are all human and we all make mistakes. I’ve even done that sometimes myself.”
Are you familiar with the feeling of something eating you up inside?
The level of resentment we hold onto can vary across a broad spectrum.
It could be as simple as a recurring thought which keeps on playing away in our minds “She shouldn’t have done that”, or it can start moving “up-scale” into really “juicy” grudge holding, retaliation or revenge.
Often we are not aware that our simple desire to protect ourselves from getting hurt again or our desire to put things right is in fact rooted in a desire to get even.
If we heard the real thoughts going through our minds underneath the “noble” intentions we may be very surprised and even shocked.
Anger is a form of poison for our bodies and souls.
LETTING GO:
There are many reasons to motivate us to forgive others.
On the simplest and most personal level it doesn’t pay to be angry.
How much real power comes out of stewing and eating yourself up? How much real happiness and satisfaction comes from disconnecting from others and ourselves in the process. Do we rise in stature in our own eyes or do we fall?Does resenting someone raise our self-respect or lower it?
We only hold onto resentment when we are believe that it is worth it. We only let go when we move internally to a space where we become convinced with absolute CLARITY that it is not worth it to go on holding onto it.
It simply is not worth it to live with ill-will. It destroys our quality of life and acts like an acid pumping through our veins, sometimes even leading to physical illness such as ulcers, back-ache, head-aches and digestive and sleep disorders.
For our own good the best we could ever do for ourselves is simply to say, “I care too much about my health, happiness and wellbeing. I am not prepared to do this to myself any longer. I refuse to hold onto this resentment and ill-will. I forgive and let go completely of what happened”.
“I am not willing to allow it to continue impacting my life and draining me of my resources, energy and peace-of-mind.” When we resent someone it is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die!
Tehillim/Psalms (Chapter104) “Barchi Nafshi”
20: You make darkness and it is night, in which every forest beast stirs.
21: The young lions roar after their prey, and to seek their food from G-d.
22: The sun rises and they are gathered in, and in their dens they crouch.
Bereishit/Genesis Parshat Vayishlach (Chapter 32)
23: But he (Jacob) got up that night and took his two wives, his two handmaids, and his eleven sons and crossed the ford of the Jabbok.
24: And when he took them and had them cross over the stream, he sent over all his possessions.
25: Jacob was left alone and a man wrestled with him until the break of dawn.
27: Then he said, “Let me go, for dawn has broken.”
30: Then Jacob inquired, and he said, “Divulge, if you please, your name.” And he said, “Why then do you inquire of my name?”
Daytime, good, clarity. Darkness, forces of evil, confusion.
Devarim/Deuteronomy Parshat Ki Tavo (Chapter 28)
9: G-d will confirm you for Himself as a holy people, as He swore to you – if you observe the commandments of Hashem, your G-d, and you go in His ways.
Parshat Ha’azinu (Chapter 32)
4: The Rock! – perfect is His work, for all His paths are justice; a G-d of faith without iniquity, righteous and fair is He.
Midah K’neged Midah- Measure for Measure