BUILDING SELF-ESTEEM
The goal of this work is for participants to gain tools which enable them to discover and realize their own potential for greatness and success.
This work helps us to believe more fully in ourselves, our children and all those around us. It helps us find, discover and see the best in ourselves and others and to bring it out into expression and reality.
It involves training ourselves to have an “Ayin Tova”- having the eyes to see the good and the positive in ourselves and others.
Remember- “You must be important ‘cause G-d don’t make no junk!”
Origins- How our Self-Esteem Develops:
Is a baby born with Self-Esteem?
From what age does Self-Esteem start to develop?
A child learns beliefs about itself like messages recorded on a tape recorder, all through life we keep playing those old messages back again, over and over. If they were positive and uplifting or encouraging and affirming- GREAT! keep on playing them and TURN UP THE VOLUME!
If they were negative and limiting or undermining and self-sabotaging- STOP playing them! Switch off the machine! Change the tape for messages you want to hear and that are helpful to you.
Eg. If parents speak to a baby with simcha, joy, happiness, energy, SMILING vs. finding the child boring, a pain, burden or hassle- what messages is their child picking up from them?
Every interaction is a possible lesson: eg. Changing diapers- rough handling vs. gentle, tender, softness, kindness, warmth or understanding.
Smile at your kids. Tell them that they are special and important to you. Let them know that you enjoy having them around.
When praising children or pointing out their strengths made your comments SPECIFIC and EXPLICIT. Use very concrete examples and say it out loud. Let them know how proud you are of them!
Eg a great family exercise can be done around the Shabbas table or after Havdalah. Have each family member go around the table and share with each sibling or parent something they like and appreciate about that person. Thank each other for things that were done for you during the past week or perhaps give a Brocha for the coming week.
Become a “conscious” parent- choose very carefully the messages you want to PLANT in your child.
Consider the power you have in influencing your child!
What MESSAGES are we transmitting to our children?
Get to know your child:
Children can interpret a statement made by one of their parent’s or by a significant adult negatively even if it was not intended to be that way! Listen to how children speak about themselves and to what they think of themselves. You have the ability to erase old messages and “re-record” them with positive and uplifting ones! This can be done while playing games together, reading stories, before bedtime or while learning together.
These messages become our Inner Dialogue or our conversations with ourselves.
Through repeated exposure they become our self-concept and our self-identity.
“What I experience I LEARN- What I learn I PRACTICE- What I practice I BECOME!”
Get to know yourself: Eg When you walk into a room, are people happy to see you? Do you expect friendliness/ warmth? vs. unfriendliness, coldness?
What does your programming immediately prepare you for?
How do you feel?
Where does that feeling come from?
What can you do to change it?
Are you a PUPPET on strings?
Just getting schlepped around?
Or are you the one who PULLS THE STRINGS?
What is Self-Esteem? Feeling, thought, behavior or action?
Definition of Self-Esteem:
The 2 Essential Pillars of Self-Esteem:
1) I believe that I have value, importance, and significance as a human being. My life has purpose and meaning. I am worthy of love, affection, and attention.
2) I have talents, abilities, and strengths. This gains expression in- “I can”, “I am capable”. “I can make an impact on the world- physically and spiritually, as well on other people’s lives”.
Possible characteristics of Healthy Self-Esteem: Inner peace, calm, tranquility, serenity, happiness, confidence, outgoing nature, friendly, positive, upbeat, active, energized, alert, awake, grateful.
Possible characteristics of Unhealthy Self-Esteem: Depression, lethargic, no energy, low enthusiasm, looking down, talking softly, “don’t want to take up too much space”, “don’t want to get in the way”, “don’t belong”, “don’t deserve”, fearful, nervous, anxiety, low immune system (due to low energy and negativity), unhappiness, pessimistic, passive, lonely, complaining, guilt feelings.
Forces which erode/undermine self-esteem:
Self-judgment, criticism, demands, expectations, condemnations, blame, put-downs, lack of trust. Potential Self-beliefs found in Low Self Esteem: I am useless, worthless, incapable, undeserving, unloved, unwanted, inadequate, incompetent- in what I do, in my knowledge, skills, talents or abilities, as a human being, a friend, husband/wife, father/mother or in the work I do.
I don’t deserve to be here, I don’t deserve to be alive, I’m a burden on others. I don’t belong. I have no value. My life has no meaning or significance.
Sense of inner-emptiness/ inner-void:
Many people do whatever they can to “silence” the inner-voice they hear calling to them to STOP and LISTEN. Our inner-voice wants us to be healthy- physically and emotionally. This inner-voice is the voice of our Divine Soul trying to reach us.
What do many people do to fill the void and not have to listen to their inner-voice?
Eat chocolate, candy, “sugar-loaded” foods, snacks, coffee, alcohol, drugs, cigarettes, medication, shopping, busy activity, music, movies, sports, news, entertainment.
The Impact of Modern Society on Self-Esteem:
Evolution and its Impact on Modern Civilization! Because the theory of Evolution believes that life came about through a random and accidental process, with no plan or design, this has had a major impact on how many human’s view themselves.
Many people believe there is:
- no intrinsic value to being human
- no G-d, no spirituality
- no absolute standards
- no morality, no accountability
- no meaning, no purpose to life
- no reward, no punishment, no afterlife
- no reason to live.
What impact do these beliefs have on our Self-Esteem and our self-concepts?
The impact of the Media on Self-Esteem:
“You are not OK. Product X will make you OK”
Product X will give you happiness, peace, tranquility, love, romance and meaning.
A Selection of Torah Sources relevant to Self-Esteem:
Mishna Pirkei Avos 4rd Perek- My emotions are dependant on me, they are my responsibility, I am accountable, powerful, I’m the cause.
Outer Focus/Validation from others:
(Low SE- my value and esteem comes from others inward to me.
I’m empty. I’m a Puppet on strings)
Wealth and Strength are measured compared to the wealth and strength of others.
Happiness is something that comes from outside of me. People, possessions and events create my happiness.
Honor- is measured by the honor others give me. Wisdom- knowledge compared to others.
According to the Mishnah the correct Torah definition is:
Inner Focus/ Self validation: Direction from me outward. I am the puppeteer, not the puppet.
I take full responsibility for my thoughts, feelings and actions.
Power/Might- is determined by conquering one’s impulses and drives I choose to be happy and satisfied I give honour to others I learn from others.
Mishna Sanhedrin Perek Chalek “Bishvili Nivra Haolam”- The entire world was created for me.
Pirkei Avos 3rd Perek, Rebbi Akiva “Chaviv Adam Shenivra B’Tzelem”- Created in G-d’s image.
Chaviv Yisrael Shenikrau “Banim Atem Lashem Elokaichem”- Children of G-d, personal relationship of Love.
Pirkei Avos 5th Perek, Talmid of Avraham Avinu “Ayin Tovah”, Bilam HaRasha “Ayin Ra’ah”
Skills For Building Self-Esteem
1) Actively developing a more positive, respectful and loving relationship with oneself,
2) Being real and present,
3) Becoming familiar with the beliefs we have about ourselves and verifying their truth
and accuracy,
4) 5 levels of the Neshama Model,
5) Developing a deep, personal and real connection with Hashem,
6) Deepening intentions, connecting with our Divine self.
(In this course we have only been focusing on gaining knowledge and experience in Skill No.1)
Skill: 1) Actively developing a more positive, respectful and loving relationship with oneself,
When you take responsibility for your own thoughts and feelings you start to feel more powerful in your life. It is inappropriate to blame others for the way you feel.
How would I like someone who cares about me to treat me?
How do I want to treat others?
What love, respect, honor and appreciation do I believe I am worthy of?
How can I provide myself (and my children) with qualities?
Building Self-Esteem requires giving yourself the respect, appreciation and dignity you believe you deserve. Remember- if you role model these, your children will also pick them up from you.
Eg if your child is carrying a heavy bowl to the table do you yell “watch out”, “ be careful”, “don’t drop it”- will this build trust and confidence in the child? What alternative ways of speaking are available?
Eg What will help some one who is dieting and struggling with their own self-discipline?
Try sentences like: “I trust you…”, “I care about you…”, “I understand that this is hard for you…”, “I believe in you…”, “I know you can do it…”, “That’s not healthy for you. Please don’t eat it…”, “STOP! I am not going to speak to myself that way anymore”, “That’s enough…I am setting healthy boundaries and I am putting the chocolate away”.
Speaking harshly to ourselves or others often evokes a reaction of defiance and resentment whereas when we are spoken to in a warm, gentle and caring way we are far more likely to comply and follow through with what we are requested to do.
Motivation through fear does gets results- but how much energy and enthusiasm does a person invest into what they are doing when they feel they are being forced to do it or they are scared of the consequences if they fail to do it?
Below is a list which can be very helpful to find new ways to treat yourself or anyone else you come into contact with:
Loving Behaviors:
1) showing understanding 19) responsibility
2) support 20) acceptance
3) reliability 21) thoughtfulness
4) caring 22) doing things for
5) taking interest 23) warmth
6) consideration 24) giving
7) listening 25) giving compliments
8) gratitude 26) apologizing/ admitting you were wrong
9) giving space 27) praise
10) forgiving 28) fun
11) patience 29) setting healthy boundaries/ discipline
12) respect 30) sharing
13) empathy 31) appreciation
14) trust 32) pointing out strengths
15) affection 33) honesty
16) validation 34) encouragement
17) communication 35) acknowledgement
18) spending time 36) believing in another person
Questions for further discussion:
1.Is Self-Esteem the same as confidence?
2.What do Chazal mean when the say “Don’t trust yourself until the day you die”?
3.What is arrogance and what is true humility?
4.Can’t building strong Self-Esteem lead to arrogance?
5.How do you do Teshuvah and feel regret for past mistakes if you love and respect yourself?